By Belle O'Hara
It can easily be argued that the time period of October to December is the worst time to be single. Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas all inspire festive dates that give any couple you follow on Instagram an excuse to show how happy and cute their relationship is. You walk around campus, the leaves slowly changing color, the weather getting crisp, and significant others clasping hands to keep them from shaking in the cold. You’re happy for them. You really are. Yet why do you also despise them? Training myself out of the mindset that I need someone to make me feel truly happy and content with my life is a process. For years I held myself back from partaking in activities that I was saving for future “dates”, or I considered would be strange to do alone. I felt the social pressure and expectation of needing a partner, platonic or romantic, to experience certain outings. While it is enjoyable and important to be social and stay connected to your personal relationships, it is just as equally important to stay connected with your relationship with yourself.
I’m sure we all have heard the saying “you have to love yourself before you learn to love anyone else”. I know the first few times I heard it I was genuinely so confused on why loving yourself was so stressed upon before getting into a relationship. I always thought that your partner was supposed to give you that reassurance while dating. Even though I was insecure and anxious going into the relationship, my partner will help me grow out of that right? Even though I hate all these things about myself, I will still be able to love all the things about my partner and they will give me the confidence I need… right? In my personal experience, I learned that throwing myself into a relationship as a distraction from my insecurities, was not the best way to heal and grow myself (who would’ve thought?). I knew that in order to truly get to know myself and start the long road of self love, it had to start with me.
So that's why I started taking myself out on “dates.” It started by just going to a coffee shop alone, and maybe sitting down for a little, doing some work, reading a book, anything that interested me. I wanted to just get to know myself better, it literally was like dating myself. When you go out by yourself you're not influenced by anyone else you go out with, so you get to find what you truly enjoy and appreciate doing. Listen to music that YOU like, eat the food that YOU like, go shop at stores and buy clothes that YOU like. Finding personal interest, hobbies, and passions is so powerful because that is how you express yourself, and let true personality shine through. Being able to learn to do things by yourself not only promotes individuality but also independence. Once you learn to not depend on others for your own happiness that is where true growth and self love begins.
The thought of going out and doing something alone can be intimidating at first. It’s easy to convince yourself that everyone will notice that you are alone and then ostracize you for it, known as the spotlight effect. That is so far from the truth though, and once you start going out places by yourself, you’ll start to notice how many other people are also out alone. Now, I’m not telling you that you need to ditch all of your friends and never hang out with them and become a hermit essentially. What I am saying is that alone time is important, and we all need it. I personally am the type of person who can hang around people for a good amount of time, but my social battery only lasts so long and the only way to recharge is just by being with myself. I look forward to outings I plan out with myself because once you stop worrying about what other people may be thinking of you, it becomes so much more fun.
Understanding what your body and mind needs is so important, especially in the social media age we are growing up in. The pressure of feeling “behind” in life or having to fit in with this unrealistic beauty standard is EXHAUSTING. I know personally on those nights I stayed in, and would see everyone else out, I would feel as though I was missing out or as though I was “behind” socially. Even though I knew I was happier staying in for some nights, there's still that nagging feeling in the back of mind as though you're doing yourself a disservice by staying in. It is the opposite though, you are doing yourself a huge favor if you begin to teach yourself that it is ok to say no to social events sometimes. Take time with yourself, no comparisons, no self deprivation, no judgment. Once you start to love and appreciate yourself it becomes so much easier to see through the cracks of the toxic environment social media has enveloped our minds in. The only person you need to impress is yourself, no one else.
Here’s the thing about self love, we are stuck with ourselves forever, like actually. I will be with myself for the rest of my life, so it’s important I get to know her and love her. This journey of self love isn’t an overnight trip though, it is a long and sometimes hard process. You deserve to treat yourself, especially during school and with finals quickly approaching, your mental health should not take the back seat. Making time to do things you truly enjoy is so beneficial for personal wellbeing, and can genuinely be such an effective stress reliever for any situation.
So now that I have hopefully convinced you to go on a cute little date with yourself, here are a few of my favorite outings:
Go to a local coffee shop/cafe!
This is the perfect starter activity if you're still on the fence about doing things alone. Bring a book, listen to some music, get a latte, and get a pastry too because you deserve it.
Go thrifting!
This is a perfect opportunity to discover your own style, at thrift stores there is no “trending” pile or a mannequin to copy, it is essentially free for all. Here you’ll be able to find pieces you truly love without any influence, and really develop a style of your own. Plus, there’s something so special about finding really awesome pieces and knowing that no one else will be wearing the same thing as you as you walk down Fifth.
Go on a walk!
Shady side is my personal favorite neighborhood to walk in, it’s safe and the houses are beautiful. Listening to music or a podcast is such a good way to wind down, and getting some fresh air is always a plus. Now, I personally am a young woman, so I do not recommend doing this at night alone obviously. During the day I feel very safe, but use your own judgement and do what you're comfortable with.
Go to the museum!
With your Pitt ID you can get into the Carnegie Museum of Art for free. This is one of my personal favorite outings, it is so calming and finding a new favorite piece or artist is always exciting.
Go to a library or bookstore!
The Carnegie Library right next to the museum is one of my favorite places to go if I need some time to unwind, it is so calm and the architecture is so beautiful. A great bookstore that I would recommend would be White Whale Books in Bloomfield. It is so cute, the employees always have great recommendations, and who doesn’t love a new book?
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