By: Kate Castello
Why don’t you have a boyfriend?”
I can’t count the number of times the question has been thrown at me.
Often I’m caught off guard and try to laugh it off, usually mumbling something about focusing on school. And while that is somewhat true—it isn’t the full story.
When I was younger I thought something was wrong with me because I wasn’t in a relationship. I must be too ugly, or annoying, or my body wasn’t good enough, etc, etc… On and on I’d go, finding reasons why someone couldn’t love me, all while being constantly surrounded by messages telling me I needed to be in a relationship.
It was in the Disney movies I watched as a child and the books I read as a teenager. It was there every time I opened social media and in almost every song. It felt like a cuckoo clock going off at the beginning of every hour, reminding me I was unlovable.
Frustrated doesn’t begin to describe how I felt watching the world continue to push this narrative down, not only my, but every other young person’s throat. From the minute we can understand what a romantic relationship is, we are told that our goal in life is to find one.
But I don’t believe that’s true.
I hope I don’t come off as cynical or that I hate love and think everyone should avoid it at all costs—that couldn’t be further from the truth. Ironically, I’m a hopeless romantic.
I still believe love is a beautiful, unifying force in our world, and hope that everyone who wishes to find romantic love, will. There are few things that make me as happy as seeing my friends in happy, healthy relationships. I even believe in soulmates!
But over the past year, as I have put myself out there, gone on “dates”, and thought more about the idea of being in a relationship, I have realized something crucial,
I want to be alone.
At least for now.
I do hope to find a romantic partner someday (I think, only time will tell), but currently, I am perfectly fulfilled with my own presence and the presence of my friends and family, that I feel no need for one. Honestly, when I think of dating someone right now, it feels like I’m suffocating—like I’m a little patch of grass that’s in the shade of a skyscraper and can’t feel the sun.
I brought my feelings up to my therapist, who stared at me and said point blank, “Then why are you trying to contort yourself to meet expectations you don’t even agree with? It seems to me that being in a relationship right now would make you miserable. There’s nothing wrong with being alone.”
It may sound stupid, but that conversation was a breakthrough for me. Of course, I knew people could be happily single; I was even happily single, but I always assumed I would be happier with a partner, and I should constantly be on the lookout for my soulmate. I didn’t understand that it was ok to crave solitude.
Realizing I wanted to dedicate this period of my life to focusing on myself—I don’t mean my studies or my career—but the things that make me truly happy, the hobbies and interests that light up my soul, and the people that make me feel at peace, has been the most restoring change I have made in years.
It has made me much more gentle and kind to myself. I get to enjoy all of the things I thought were “cringe”, “silly” or “childish” because I no longer feel the need to impress anyone.
Looking back, I feel sad for that young girl who wanted nothing more than to be loved. She should have been focusing on building friendships and being a kid, rather than feeling like a failure because she didn’t get asked to prom. I wish I could go back and tell her how differently she would feel about relationships in a few years. She’d probably be terrified that she’d be twenty years old and still had never been in a romantic relationship, but truly, I couldn’t be happier.
At the end of the day, as cliché as it is, you only have yourself, so do whatever the f*ck makes you happy. Be in a relationship, don’t be in a relationship, date around, be with the same person for ten years—it doesn’t matter. But don’t let the world persuade you into thinking you can’t be a whole person if you are alone.
Embrace your aloneness.
Happy Valentine’s Day,
Kate xo